


a proper farewell

by theinternetruinedme



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canonical Character Death, Episode: s02e13 The Last Dragonlord, Hurt Merlin (Merlin), Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magic Revealed, Merlin - Freeform, Merlin's Magic Revealed (Merlin), Post-Canon Fix-It, Post-Episode: s02e13 The Last Dragonlord, Protective Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Soft Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), no beta we die like men, s2e13 fix-it, tags added as parts are posted
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:14:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27071812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theinternetruinedme/pseuds/theinternetruinedme
Summary: Merlin doesn't know where to begin when it comes to processing what he's experienced recently. One thing won't stop making his grief worse: Balinor wasn't given a proper farewell.
Relationships: Balinor & Merlin (Merlin), Balinor/Hunith (Merlin), Gaius & Merlin (Merlin), Hunith & Merlin (Merlin), Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 48





	a proper farewell

**Author's Note:**

> hi!!  
> this is my first fic on ao3, so i'm sorry if this is a trainwreck lmao.  
> no beta, i'm being bold.  
> fix-it fic for series 2 finale. we never know what happens to balinor after he dies; merl and arthur were in such a hurry i assume they didn't get to give him the goodbye he deserved:(

Merlin watches Arthur from the corner of his eye as they walk back towards the citadel. As much of a relief that the dragon was no longer wreaking havoc on Camelot, the weight of everything that had recently occurred hits Merlin all at once, and suddenly he can’t breathe.  
He knows he should stay and assist Arthur, he should wait to be dismissed properly, but he doesn’t know how much longer he can keep it together. Merlin slows his pace, and eventually, Arthur is far enough ahead that Merlin slips off, he heads straight back to his chambers. When he arrives, Gaius is waiting for him, and with one look, Merlin knows he needs to go straight to his bed to avoid any tears he doesn’t want to be shed. So that is what Merlin does. He lies on his bed and lets the exhaustion consume him.

When morning arrives, Merlin inhales deeply, only to conclude that he feels worse than he did before. How is he supposed to cope? How can he grieve? Part of him feels like he shouldn’t even be so upset -- he barely knew his father -- though that’s entirely the reason he knows he’s not wrong for being so upset. Merlin is sitting on the edge of his bed, still in clothes from last night, and he can hear Gaius moving about outside his room.  
He’s grateful for Gaius; he always has been. The man has been his father more than any other male figure has. He isn’t sure what he would do if he lost the physician. While Merlin sits there stirring in his own thoughts, one thing hits him harder than anything in life ever has: Balinor wasn’t laid to rest. He didn’t have a proper resting place. There was nowhere for Merlin to bury his father with the respect and honor he deserves. A sob wracks through him, guttural, and Merlin immediately thinks he’s going to vomit. He is too distracted by his sobs that he doesn’t hear the clatter of vials; he doesn’t hear Gaius approach his room. The warlock is so overwhelmed that he barely registers a dip in the bed next to him, he misses when Gaius holds him. It’s ugly -- he knows he makes quite the sight all worked up as he is -- and for _some reason_ , the thought that he’s grateful Arthur isn’t there to see him like this works its way into the front of his mind. He groans, frustratedly, if that’s what you can call it. Merlin knows he’s still a crying mess, hiccupping and heaving at some points. He also knows Arthur is going to wonder where he is and be curt with him for disappearing last night and being absent so late into the morning.  
“I need to get to Arthur’s chambers,” he rumbles; his voice is hoarse and raw, “There’s... so much to do.”  
When he starts to rise, Gaius catches his wrist and keeps him from leaving, “Merlin, you don’t think you can show up to his chambers looking like that, now do you?” There’s a noise that escapes Merlin, a whine of sorts, the noise is so faint he isn’t sure he vocalizes it. Gaius rises, still grasping the boy’s wrist, and leads him out of the room.

He sits Merlin on a bench and turns to get a cloth and bowl of water to clean Merlin’s face up. He tilts Merlin’s head up with a hand under his chin and starts wiping away at the tear tracks on his face. Soon after, Gaius softly chides, “My boy, are you going to tell me what has you so worked up so soon after waking?”  
“Gaius...we didn’t...my father,” Merlin knows he’s not off to a great start in explaining, so he takes a shuddering breath and starts again. “We just left him. We didn’t bury him, I didn’t get to mourn him. I can’t let it go.” His hands are shaking, he notes, _no_ , his whole body is trembling. Merlin doesn’t know how he’s going to get through his duties without a break to mourn all that has happened. He chokes off another loud sob and rolls his eyes back to avoid spilling more tears.  
Gaius sighs but stills his movements, and looks Merlin in the eyes. He opens his mouth to speak but pauses, thinking over what he wants to say. “Perhaps you should pay Arthur a visit. You can tell him you want to travel to Ealdor, to check up on your mother.” Merlin knows what Gaius is getting at -- take a trip, give Balinor the departure he deserves. However, the thought strikes him in the gut.  
Hunith. His mother. Does she know? Could she feel the moment Balinor was no more? Merlin barely connected with him and could still feel it as the energies shifted and his father let out his last breath. Has Hunith thought he was dead the entire time? Has Hunith felt that Balinor was still alive? The way one knows and holds out hope that someone who is lost is still out there? Merlin inhales sharply. Even if he was going to give Balinor a proper burial and use a visit home as an excuse, he wants to see his mother anyway. Merlin wants to give her the news, his father is finally at rest. He needs that closure _for her_.  
“You’re right,” Merlin starts, but he doesn’t stop there. “I know she kept this from me for a reason, but now that I know, I need to tell her the truth, Gaius. I need her to know he is gone. So she no longer lives in the unknown of what happened to him.” Merlin begins to stand, shakily, Gaius notes. Once steady on his feet, the young man clears his throat and prepares himself to leave for Arthur’s chambers.  
The physician watches as his nephew reaches the door and hesitates, he fixes a soft look at Merlin’s slumped shoulders and speaks up. “Merlin, remember Arthur may perceive more about your feelings than you let on.” Merlin squares his shoulders as he takes a deep breath and heads out to face Arthur.

**Author's Note:**

> hi!!  
> this is my first fic on ao3, so i'm sorry if this is a trainwreck lmao.  
> no beta, i'm being bold.  
> comments and kudos are greatly appreciated.<3


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